Catbladder the Third

Who'd have thought that when Sir Isaac Newton came up with his third law “To every action there is always opposed an equal reaction: or the mutual actions of two bodies upon each other are always equal, and directed to contrary parts” that this could be applied to our third cat (Mouse) and my bladder?

Aware of a dull ache in the bladder area the other morning I noticed that it and Mouse, lying on top of it, were obeying Newton's first law “Every body perseveres in its state of being at rest or of moving uniformly straight forward, except insofar as it is compelled to change its state by force impressed”

Mouse, who weighs in at a hefty 6 kilos, decided to change the state of inertia by leaping through the window using me as a launch pad. After several minutes writhing in agony the formula for calculating the amount of pain came to me in a blue flash of inspiration.

p = (w x d) + (c/a2)

Where

p is pain
w is the weight of the cat
d is the distance to the window
a is the amount of ale consumed the previous evening
c the capacity of the bladder

Mouse demonstrates inertia

It's enough to instil a fear of cats (Aclurophobia) in a person!

Talking of phobias, I have some advice for would be competitors on 'America's Next Top Model.' Girls, when you get to the box marked phobias on your application form just put the word NONE otherwise, as sure as eggs is eggs, your assignments will include hanging from the top of a tall skyscraper, being caged up with a million man-eating spiders or having to spend an evening listening to Tyra Banks talk about her Mom if you've listed Acrophobia, Arachnephobia or Tyrannophobia amongst your fears.

It could be even worse if Homophobia is on your list, as you'll be subjected 24/7 to a bunch of mincing gay boys doing your make-up, hair, taking your photo and showing you how to cat-walk!