Ibiza Ceramics

You know how you mean to do something for ages and never get round to it? Well at long last I got round to taking photos of the ceramic masks which adorn the garden wall of a house in Port des Torrent.

There are about 40 in total so here, in no particular order, are some of them.

Light my Fire

I drove 8 kms down to Suma supermarket in Cala de Bou today with the main purpose of buying some firelighters to get the log fire started each day. They didn't have any.

Luckily, one of the other, less important, items on my list was oven chips, which they did have. I'll be rubbing two of them together tomorrow in an effort to warm our living room.

The Postman Never Rings Twice

Living in the centre of buzzing San Jose we're lucky that we actually have a postman. Those in the country have to rent a postbox in the post office and call in to collect their mail.

We have quite a funky postbox on our gate - bought at the long gone Sunday fleamarket at Ponylandia for 5 Euros - but I was worried that should we have heavy rain, it would let in water and ruin important letters.

I needn't have fretted. In over four years in the village we've never had one letter delivered when it was raining!

Ibiza Christmas: Post Haste

Every year I receive a fabulous hand-painted, limited edition Christmas card from the architect and accomplished painter, David Cullearn. Every year it arrives some days after Christmas and this year was no exception as it was delivered yesterday, 29th December.

Saddleworth

What was a surprise was pulling it out of the postbox in pristine condition! Normally the words 'DO NOT BEND' in red letters are enough incitement to the postie to commit terminal origami on it. The difference this year is that we have a new temporary post girl for the busy festive period - a cheerful lass, she can smoke, phone and pull the trolley all at the same time!

I'm a PC

Be it. Say it. Wear it

Sprout Trek Ibiza

Villa Man's Blog, Ibiza Date 24.12.2008

Spain's Christmas Customs do not include the same Holy reverence of the Sacred Sprout of Brussels that we British have. For many years my Christmas Eves have been spent driving fruitlessly (or more to the point vegetablelessly) from greengrocer to greengrocer on a sprout trek more akin to the search for the Holy Grail.

This year my shopping mission was to achieve 3 things; buy sprouts, replace lost cutlery and collect my meat order from Peter the Butcher.

The replacement cutlery shop was closed for 4 months, there were three bags of sprouts on one of the stalls at the country market, and Peter the Butcher only cracked one joke the whole time I was there.

Here's our Ibiza Christmas Sprout Shrine

Let it be known that the sprouts are now (as of 10.00 hours) on a low simmer so they'll be done to perfection by the Queen's Speech!!!

Ibiza Insider

Don't worry, I'm not going to drone on about super exclusive Ibiza restaurants or secluded Ibiza beaches. Instead, I'm wittering on about the non-laptop-toting Ibiza Insiders held in little esteem by glossy web-page publishers – yes the inmates of Ibiza Gaol!!

Most of them are blokes, in their 30's, unmarried and childless, so nobody cares for them. The ones who are married are mostly banged up for wife-beating, so ditto on the caring front. The majority are in for offences against public health, ie drugs, and many are far away from home, as most are foreigners; the top nationalities represented being Colombians (cocaine and coffee) and Italians (ecstasy and Rolex watches).

These lads, all 112 of them, are squeezed into accommodation designed for 50 to repay their debt to society when their only crime has been to break the law without being related to the 'powers that be' by blood or marriage (or better still, both)

Just to prove that being in the nick isn't all fun, here's an article I wrote yonks ago

News

Ibiza: Coincidence Island

With a winter population approaching 250, it's hardly surprising when you bump into someone you know, even in a completely different situation to normal.

Today I crossed paths with world famous Flamenco-Jazz-Chill guitarist Paco Fernandez BUT NOT in the place I'm accustomed to seeing him. We were not in SYP Ses Paisses (remember when he offered me his free gift savings stamps there?) but in the Can Tomas woodyard close to where he lives!!!!!!!!

What a coincidence! it doesn't end there though, because spookily I'm actually going to see him play at Raco Verd this very night, AND (this is the million to one chance) we were BOTH buying firewood at the wood yard!!!!



Talking of the woodyard reminds me of a conversation I had with its owner, who's about my age, and confessed to me that he was fed up with his job.
'I hate wood,' he said. 'Every day for the last 40 years all I've seen is wood, wood, wood. I'm F*****g sick of it!'

If I wasn't such a blokey bloke (I don't even do any of that kissy-kissy stuff with girlies) I'd have given him a man's hug and said, 'there, there,' as I felt so sorry for him.

Lunch in El Yate 2008

Here on the Ibiza Villa Blog we don't need an excuse to do lunch (or as you'll see much money) but as we had to go to San Antonio today to buy some more Christmas Tree decorations we thought we'd indulge ourselves too.

First stop was the fountains square in San Antonio to have a look at the town's Christmas tree which is marginally bigger than ours and has an anti-cat fence all around it.

A tree's eye view of the bird

And then on to La Puerta Olvidada (The Forgotten Door) to buy replacement baubles, decorations and sumptuous scents for the festive season.

Baubles, bangles and beads

Now, the good bit. It was 18 degrees and sunny (Brits will be more familiar with its equivalent in Fahrenheit, which is now a balmy 86 degrees given the new rate of exchange) so we decided to sit outside on the terrace of El Yate.

Crikey, because it was Wednesday, if you paid for one 3 course menu of the day, you got another free!! The price:quality ratio is so good here anyway but a free meal sends it into the stratosphere. Take a look at what we got for €12 (about a monkey if you're a Cockney)....................

Fish and shellfish soup

Roast pork and vegetable rice

Brownie (don't know how it is in English)

I really wish I had one of those new aroma-cams!

And finally, my Christmas photo to one and all - a bauble's eye view of San Antonio.

CSI Christmas: Ibiza

When we were in Mallorca last week there were lots of flashing signs over the motorways reading

Driver + Alcohol = Accident

I could have put a similar one over our newly installed Christmas decorations yesterday blazing out this message

Cats + Christmas tree = Chaos

The scoreline after only one night is Tree - Nil, Cats - 3 as we've lost one bauble, one pair of angels wings and the lights are in disarray. None of the 'gang of five' have cracked under interogation and all remain poker faced about it.

I'm thinking of using video surveillance tonight?

Ibiza Sunset

Here, is the sun setting in all its majesty over Sa Talaia (Ibiza's highest mountain) as seen from our roof last night.

I haven't used any clever technology to manipulate it in any way - that's just how it looked!

Back Blogging

after a Biniaraix break! For anyone interested in going there I've spent a great deal of time and effort knocking up a detailed map code-named Biniaraix Boozers.
Here it is.............



It is the only bar in the village, so you'd think the prices would be astronomical given its monopoly of the alcoholic beverage scene, wouldn't you? Well you'd be right - but only if you are unfortunate enough to live in formerly fancy London town with its faltering economy and fast falling currency!

I paid €1.50 for a Bacardi(yes the internationally renowned Bacardi) and Coke (short for Coca Cola.) In normal Ibiza bars I'd fork out €3 or €4 for this depending on where I was sitting, so my Biniaraix Bacardi was pretty cheap. In fact I went back several times!

Given current exchange rates, poor Brits would have to stump up about 40 quid for the very same. No wonder they're all saying Spain's become expensive recently!

If my map is a bit confusing, here's a photo of the bar.

Mind Your Language

In preparation for our eagerly awaited trip to Mallorca (please let it be calm when we sail from Ibiza harbour) Jaki and I have been taking lingo lessons so we can converse with the natives




Recognise us?

Ibiza Sunset: Viewed from the Villa

Funny how the same thing can look totally different when seen from different viewpoints: from above or from below, from the back or from the front, or when drunk or when sober, and so on.

I 'dashed' (I could do with a Thora Hird chairlift) up the stairs to the roof this afternoon to capture the sunset on both sides. The clear cold air doesn't half give it a different appearance to heat hazey summer.

See what I mean?

Ibiza Winter: Cala Conta

Given the amount of visitors to the 'Ibiza Villa Blog' arriving via searches for Ibiza Winter or Winter Ibiza, I thought I'd oblige by posting a few photos. So, right at the bottom of the blog is a slideshow of photos I took in December last year.

It lives permanently on my Picasa web album page

Ibiza December 07 and Ibiza in Winter

This very day we were at Cala Conta where the air was clear enough to see the distant mainland to the south of Denia. It doesn't show on this photo, but it was stll worth a shutter click!

Today's Ibiza Weather

has been officially classified as 'Five Cat Cold'

A cold wave of cold polar air in the outside world has forced all our five cats to seek warmer climes inside. They all know my favourite saying regarding the central heating
'nobody goes cold in this house while I'm in it!'

Charlie and Spook are by the radiator

Flossie and Tillie Flop are on the sofa

Mouse is concealed behind a chair, a log basket and a large passing dog (Marli)

He Has Given Us a Sign

Nothing to do with Monty Python, but a tale of two signs I saw yesterday. Having hobbled bravely (not complaining but just getting on with it) with the aid of a knee brace and (occasionally) a walking stick for the last month I finally went to the doctor's yesterday.

It was, as always, full of nosey old people wondering what was wrong with each other. Having exhausted the supply of magazine (fancy Franco dying?) my attention was drawn to a sign on the wall which read

“Out of respect for your fellow patients please do not open the door to the doctor's surgery if it is firmly closed”

and thanked the Lord that it was knackered knees and not my prostate that I was there for.

Anyway, if your doctor's a little like mine, with all the sympathy and bedside manner of Arnie's Terminator, you can lighten the proceedings by prefixing every sentence with Doctor, doctor.......

So, then I had to go to San Antonio health centre to make an appointment for an X-Ray. There are two counters there, one with a big sign APPOINTMENTS and another with a similar sign MEDICAL CARDS. At the appointments counter they asked to see my medical card as proof of my entitlement to free medical treatment here in Ibiza.

'I haven't got it. When it expired I went to the next counter to renew it and after only three months the new card still hasn't arrived at my house.'

'You'll need it when you go for your X-Ray.'

'When?'

'December 19th!'

'OK, I'll go to the MEDICAL CARD counter now and sort it.'

Later, at the MEDICAL CARD counter.........
'Oh no, this isn't the medical card counter it's the EMERGENCIES counter. Medical cards are in a morning, emergencies in an afternoon.'

So remember, if you're on a purely administrative visit to the health centre, go before lunchtime, and if you're dashing in with say, your severed arm under your non-severed arm, then you'll be running around like a chicken with a severed head unless it's round about tea-time!

Ibiza Christmas Treats

As one who embraced the famous Mediterranean diet years before I came to live in Ibiza I was a little surprised to discover that it also has a dark side - and I don't mean knocking back brandies for breakfast!

For every healthy aspect of my adopted national cuisine - olive oil, garlic, sunshine vegetables, etc - there are at least two super sweet, sugar loaded concoctions to eat before, during and after our regular four meals a day.

The number kids running around at 100 mph with glazed eyes or sitting in an obese heap proves there's something amiss with our diet.

Christmas is approaching, so what better time to load the shelves with sugar high inducing treats for the festive season..........

Turrón

Polvorones

Here's my Christmas tip #1: If a strange man offers you either product, just say no, they're truly awful.

Christmas tip #2: If you are the buyer for SYP, and every year for the last 10 years, your shelves have still been full of Christmas Turrón by the following May, then buy a bit less this year!

Pipe Down

On my way from the gas station (88 cents a litre today) my eye was caught by lots of boats in San Antonio Bay as I drove over the summit of San Jose. Even from 10 kilometres an enormous hulking shape was visible dominating the horizon.

Eventually I arrived at the viewing point by the Hostal La Torre and took this shot of the giant pipe laying platform which has been drafted in to connect gas from the mainland to Ibiza and then to Mallorca.

I'll be writing an official news item tomorrow but as a taster I can tell you now that this aesthetically pleasing vehicle can accommodate 330 people on board!

Cala Bassa: The Video

In an attempt to document (ie preserve on film for posterity) each of Ibiza's goodness knows how many beaches I would like to present, tah-dah, Cala Bassa.

Yesterday was another beautiful day, so, fortified by a coffee, brandy, pan con tomate and serrano ham, I set off with Marli on the long ten minute drive to the beach. As you can see, it couldn't have been more perfect.......sun, waves, pine fringed beach, golden sand and clear blue sea.

Ibiza Colour Collage

I've bought a new camera. A Kodak C913 which is small enough to fit in my pocket and so will accompany me everywhere (unless it's a place where i wouldn't normally have a pocket)

Today it came with me on a stream of consciousness splatter photography mission to the panaderia/pastelleria in San Jose to buy bread and San Antonio's northern promenade while Jaki had her lunchtime hair appointment nearby.

This photo verité collage captures life in the raw in Ibiza on a Friday lunchtime and the Kodak really captures the Mediterraean colours to perfection.

Buying Bacardi in SYP Ibiza

Bacardi's quite a well known brand world-wide. Its popularity is renowned in Ibiza where it features with Coca Cola in Jaki's favourite drink – a 'Cuba Libre.'

Believe it or not, it was invented by a Catalan - Facundo Bacardi Masso – from Sitges (site of the first Pacha disco) and, if you Google it in Catalan, around 6 million web pages are returned.

So you'd think that if you mentioned 'Bacardi,' everybody in the world would know what you were talking about? Not in SYP, Ses Paisses' superstore they don't!

For reasons with neither rhyme nor logic, Bacardi is one of the products which sits behind locked glass doors in a display cabinet near the check outs. Yesterday I'd positioned myself in the queue for the till nearest to the cabinet – nothing clever about that – it was the only one open.

I said to the girl, 'before we start, I want a bottle of Bacardi from the cabinet.'
Less than one second later she asked, 'what was it you wanted?'
'Bacardi.'
and about 2 seconds later on arrival at the cabinet, 'what?'
'Bacardi.'
Ten seconds later I said, 'it's on the bottom shelf on the left.'
'Is this it?' she asked, holding a bottle of Anise on the top shelf on the right.
'No, I want BACARDI,'
'He wants BACARDI,' echoed a fellow frustrated customer.
'Oh, BACARDI'

Next time I'll be requesting some obscure Russian Vodka with its name in Cyrillic script, it'll be easier!

Cala Tarida: The Movie

Here's Cala Tarida brought bang up to date with a 26 second digital movie showing just how fab Ibiza is in winter.

Ibiza Coves: Cala Tarida

Out and about in Ibiza with my Kodak Brownie the other day I thought that this view of unspoilt Cala Tarida was worth a 40 second exposure.

Imagine my surprise when I returned a few hours later to find that developers had thrown up dozens of apartment blocks in just a few short hours.

They're obviously top quality, as the €2 milion price tag attests, and I was pleased to see (and hear) that a ghetto full of third world Johnnies had already shoe horned themselves into one spacious apartment to regale the rest of the complex with music from the dark continent at ultra high volume.

Viva apartment living!

Ibiza - Manchester Eighties Connection

Past posts on the Ibiza Villa Blog have highlighted the fashion conscious 1980's and my former neighbours in both Manchester and Ibiza. Noel Gallagher lived in both Burnage and San Jose, Nico of the Velvet Underground lived in Didsbury and (died) in Ibiza.

A chance meeting at the hairdressers yesterday by Jaki, who bumped into Ibiza tennis player and DJ Andy Wilson reminded me that not only did he live in Didsbury and now San Jose but that he also loved the 80's.

I'm sure he won't be embarrassed by this early 80's shot of Manc band 'The Passage' sporting haircuts which were the height of fashion at the time (it was the 80's!!!)

Andy, on the left, went on to find fame and fortune on Ibiza's Sonica Radio, whilst Dick Witts, on the right, presented BBC's 'Oxford Road Show.'

Morning Assembly

Don't worry, it's nothing to do with saying prayers, miming to hymns and contemplating 90 minutes of Latin followed by Quadratic Equations until your next Embassy Regal fix.

Buoyed up by a successful few minutes assembling two Habitat Tasman beds we decided to go to the Hipercentro to buy a self-assembly computer desk we'd seen previously..........................more later.

Our new second-hand beds had until recently resided in La Belle France at a friend of Jaki's (Jane's) house in Gascony - the home of Armagnac.

Just take a look at the link, it looks fabulous. I'd go tomorrow!

Anyway, the beds had been shipped to Jane's house in England where we had them collected by our man Gary of GB Easymove to bring here to Ibiza. Thanks to Habitat's high quality materials, we had them put together in no time at all and they are now ready to sleep on.

Back to the Hipercentro, and guess what? They didn't have any computer desks in boxes.
'Can we have the one on display?' I asked.
'No, it's on display because new stock is on the point of arrival.'
'When will that be?'
'No idea!'
So we asked him to ring us when the new stock arrived. As we walked out Jaki said that that would be the last we'd ever hear from him. And I think she's right

Ibiza Winter

I like Ibiza in winter. There's room to move, less traffic, no crowds and the weather's perfect (normally) for wearing pretty well what you want. Talamanca, near Ibiza town, is a resort which is made to measure for winter time on the island. We took Marli for a walk round its wide bay yesterday...

You can lie on the beach, gaze out to sea, eat and drink at one of the cafes dotted along the shore, or take in the views.

Strictly Come X-Reacting

Jaki's pointed out that the reaction categories on Ibiza Villa Blog's Titterometer are neither use nor ornament as nobody knows who they are. Wouldn't it be better to have categories that everybody knows and loves?

So, in no particular order, I came up with

Craig, Arlene, Len and Bruno

or, if you can't make a decision one way or t'other and are about to burst into tears.......

Louis, Danii, Cheryl and Simon.

Evade the Tirade Brigade

Ibiza's top comedy blog now has Blogger reactions incorporated at the bottom of each post. Readers can now give their reactions with the odd mouse click based on the comedy value of the post rather than spend ages ranting in old fashioned text.

It's an exponential scale based on the comedic value of what's gone on. So for example if you didn't find it the least bit funny, click Ross, Brand or Carr, and if it was titter inducing, click Kay.

Easy. Click away!!!

Christmas in Ibiza

Remember how surprised we were when we went into Ibiza town exactly a year ago and saw that the Christmas decorations had been put up? Well they've done it again this year!

We were already feeling festive because on a sausage buying trip to Peter the Butchers I picked up the Christmas order form - the one on which we get our mince pies, Christmas pudding, Wensleydale cheese, pork joint with crackling (the Spanish don't have crackling - though you can buy pork scratchings) and duck breasts.

To cap it all, Happinez Ibiza invited me to their Christmas shop opening fiesta last night to partake in gluhwein and apple strudel round a log fire. It was of course, a rather exclusive guest list, anybody who is anybody in the village was there. As only 23 people live in San Jose this means everybody, so being invited is not a lot to brag about really.



If you're not yet in the Christmas spirit, get a load of this crib scene and snowing Christmas tree. Our cats would love it!

Controversial Comedy Corner II

Life in 'parallel universe Ibiza' has also shown me that the Spanish idea of comedy is completely different to ours. Here, slapstick is king, and the subtle nuances of the non-shouted word mean nothing, so Jimmy Carr wouldn't be funny here either and the histrionics of Brian Rix's farcical trouser dropping activities would be considered cutting edge.

Yesterday, I bought Jaki a new super duper window cleaning squeegee, and the bloke said, 'there's plenty here if you want more.'

I replied, 'one's enough, I've only got one wife.'

The smile as broad as Buster Keaton's on his face told me I should have tripped over one of the squeegee poles and landed with my head in the bucket of soapy water to raise a laugh Mr. Pastry style.
Next time I'll know!

Controversial Comedy Corner

Living in Ibiza can sometimes be like inhabiting a parallel universe where things happen exactly the same but completely different to the real world. Take the furore over the messages left on a 78 year old actor's answering machine by controversial comedians Brand and Ross.
An exact mirror image of this very same situation happened in Ibiza recently (but wasn't quite so headline grabbing) when a 75 year old man (my dad) left a series of strange messages on the answering machine of Ibiza's top comedy blogger (moi.)
Nothing odd in that, after all I had instructed him to inform me immediately should my mother ever fall well and wake up not suffering from any malady (apart from hypochondria) listed in Webster's Medical Dictionary.
The funny thing is, I don't have an answering machine, and the dozy old codger had been ringing the number we abandoned 4 years ago and now owned by someone wealthy enough to have a contestador!
What the messages were, we'll never know, as the memory man has completely forgotten the entire incident.

The Biggest and the Best

It's amazing what you find on You Tube. I came across a couple of blasts from my pre Ibiza past the other day which have personal significance.........



When Jaki and I were married nearly 25 years ago in Manchester's garden suburb of Stretford my best man was lifelong friend Barry Flynn.

(Yes, I know, it was the 80's!)

Anyway, from that same period, courtesy of You Tube, here's a video made by The Big Supreme





And remember, it was the 80's!!

Ibiza Kitten Update

Great news. After splattering Sunny Jim's mugshot on posters all over the parts of Ibiza where animal lovers may congregate (?) it was our Ibiza Sun advert that paid dividends when a friend of ours, Warren, saw it.



So Sunny Jim's now in his new house, probably with a new name at the start of his new life, with his new people, Warren and Judy.


(Don't forget, we still have 'Squeak' up for adoption)

Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall

Being from the north of England I'm used to four season's worth of weather (often in the same day) and being clothed to suit. Here in Ibiza it's a bit different, though not quite as bad as Madrid where they have the saying

'Nueve meses de Invierno,
Tres de Infierno'
(9 months of winter 3 of Hell)

The change in our Ibiza seasons is marked by week-long torrential, steamy downpours which constitute both Spring and Autumn. After plenty of rain last week our night-time temperatures have plummeted and I was able to enjoy one of life's rare pleasures last night (26.10.08) – freezing cold sheets. I always quote Tony Hancock to Jaki on these occasions, 'ah, freezing cold sheets, one of life's luxuries they can never take away,' but it never does any good.

I can guarantee that within the next two days we'll have a log fire, central heating blazing away at 30 degrees centigrade, and be wearing two pairs of socks each!

On a side note, when it's 30C outside, our bank is cooled down to 10C inside and the staff work comfortably wearing jackets and jumpers while customers freeze in skimpy linen attire. Obversely, when it's 10C outside, our bank is heated up to 30C and the staff work comfortably in flowing linen garb while we sweat it out in our overcoats and scarves!

Ibiza Sun ny Jim

Here he is, Sunny Jim, specially photographed to accompany our pleading announcement in this week's Ibiza Sun.

Sunny Jim's looking for a forever home. Can you help?

Oh Well II

The phone's not working. It rings and shows the number of an incoming call but cuts off when we try to answer. It rings out but cuts off when the call is answered.

I rang Telefonica via Skype and before I got to a real person I answered a series of questions and tapped in my phone number on two occasions. The first question the real person asked was 'what's your phone number?'

Anyway, having explained everything I left my mobile number so the engineer could contact me and guess what???????????????????????????????????

Yes! They rang me on the phone I can't answer. I know it was them because when I rang the number identified by our phone a message said, ' this is one of Telefonica's private lines which you can't ring.'

Oh Well,

Ha! Breaking news, this very minute they interupted my blog to ring and say that they've sorted the problem in the 'central' (I think they call it the exchange in England)

Good old Telefonica!!! See, even in Ibiza, good things sometimes happen.

Oh Well

When I tell people that we get our water from a well I'm sure that a romantic notion of Jaki wearing a dirndl dress and two wooden pales suspended from a shoulder yoke and splashing her way across the agricultural terraces from somewhere like this crosses people's minds.

In fact, if we'd been here before 1973, when electricity finally arrived in San Jose, we would have been winding buckets up by hand. Nowadays, modern Ibiza is more functional and slightly less romantic.

This is the well which supplies our water. It's pumped up the terraces and stored at the top in a giant tank from whence it flows under gravity's insatiable influence to the houses in our street.

The countryside around the village is criss-crossed by flimsy black tubing delivering vital supplies of water to our dwellings. It doesn't take much to cut the supply and we ourselves were ploughed back to the stone ages after a tractor incident involving this very pipe.

We also have a large storage tank of water in the house - it's about the size of a child's bedroom and is two metres deep with water. It acts like a giant toilet cistern, as the water level drops with use, a floating ball cock opens a valve and allows more water in.

In August the ball cock broke with the valve open and we found ourselves with gallons of water gushing from the overflow pipe and onto the patio. The only way to stop wasting water was to cut the supply to the whole street (at the main storage tank) because Pep, the owner of the well was away on a trip.

Anyway, we got it fixed and some days later I asked Pep where he'd been. The answer was Expo Zaragoza 2008 to learn about conservation of water and sustainable development! Oh well.

Ibiza Weather Forecast II

We had some terrible weather in Ibiza just after I spent a fortune on my new sunglasses (or 'shades' as hip young gunslingers like moi prefer to call them)

The Ibiza weather forecast for the next month or so will be hot and dry - official!

How do I know? Simple

I've just maxed up my Mastercard on a pair of Timberland deerskin gloves and a Massimo Dutti brolly. Get your flights booked!

I'm off to the beach..............................